I have 3 children, and my oldest is 5. He’s my only boy, and I lovingly refer to him as our “experimental child” because every stage he goes through is new for all of us. Every technique, “hack”, or trick that we try with him is done with a, “Will it work? Let’s see what happens!” kind of mentality. Frustratingly, he is not your average textbook child. He is both extremely intelligent and extremely emotive, which creates some sticky situations. He has a deep need for understanding things, but when he’s highly emotional, he ceases to be rational and CANNOT understand things…and so he gets frustrated a lot. In learning more about him and how he works, I’ve discovered (much to my chagrin) that he is exactly like me. It’s very difficult to parent a child whose every reaction mirrors your own…if I’m not careful, we amp each other up into a very emotional frenzy of anger and frustration. Can anyone relate?
This has led me to search for some books meant more for parents of harder-to-parent children. So far, I’ve hit on 2 that resonate very well with our situation and have helped shed light on where to go from here.
The first is Boundaries with Kids by Cloud & Townsend. These guys know their stuff. Their insights and advice are extremely practical, easy to put into place, and written from a biblical viewpoint. They have been in the thick of parenting and share their wisdom from experience clinically, as well. Personally, this book has helped me learn how to “argue” with my son without getting us both worked up. Specifically, to remember that his behavior is not a reflection of me and that not everything is personal.
The second book I want to recommend is called The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. This is an extremely educational book, explaining in detail all the differences that cause some children to become more frustrated more easily, and how to better parent these children. It touches on many different “causes” such as ADD, Autism, and trauma, but is equally relevant to children with no formal diagnosis. The biggest WHOA moment for me as a mom was this paragraph:
“The point is that severe anxiety has the potential to make rational, coherent thought much more difficult. And as fate would have it, it’s when we’re severely anxious about something that clear thinking is most crucial. This combination of anxiety and irrationality causes some children (the lucky ones) to cry. But a substantial number of them (the unlucky ones) explode. We adults tend to take things far less personally and respond far more empathetically to children who cry when they’re frustrated instead of explode, even though the two behaviors often flow from the same source.”
-Ross W. Greene, pg. 48, emphasis added.
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver of a more difficult child, these books could provide some really great tools for you to better care for them. Do you know a child or two who could use a little more understanding and empathy? Leave a comment below and tell me a bit about yourself!
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